by Kathy Milano 

I came home from a super long day hungry and jet lagged, ready to drop my bags and dig into dinner. There was only one problem. The kitchen was empty as was the fridge. Having recently travelled, I only purchased a few things when we returned home and they were long gone. Scanning the freezer and cupboard for something edible, I unenthusiastically settled for pasta puttanesca.  

Only to learn I had no artichoke hearts.  

I apparently entered a downward slide as I complained about how my husband cooked the capellini, bitched about the runny sauce and commented on a few other things that weren’t to my liking.  

“What’s gotten into you? You’ve done nothing but complain since you came in.” 

Ouch. So true. I was complaining up a storm. That observation was enough to take the wind out of those sails. First up, I acknowledged and apologized for my behavior. Second, I took a mini-timeout and changed into comfy clothes. Third, we played a game and listened to music while we ate. Harmony restored, I realized I’d been complaining more than usual all day.  

A slow recovery from a cold and launching into a long vacation with multiple time zones had apparently taken a bit more out of me than I realized. Full of both wonderful and mediocre experiences, I had very little downtime to relax or process my journey before diving back into work, errands and following a schedule.  

Mystery solved. Yet, I didn’t want that complaining habit to sneak back in next time I was tired, hungry and over scheduled. I tracked back over my grumpy day and realized I had been using strategies to offset my complaining. Each was beneficial in the moment, but I missed the need to increase my vigilance about how I was feeling. Like many people, my tendency to complain increases when I am uncomfortable or life has not met my expectations (as if it should).  

These three strategies, consciously applied, can help us quit our bitchin’ and grow our gratitude.  

ENGAGING THE BEAUTY WAY 

I overslept that morning, making me late for an early appointment. Rushing to pack my lunch, I knew I was compromising my hair stylist by being late as her first customer. It didn’t feel great. Driving through a drizzle on a grey, chilly New Jersey day, I looked at the dreary woods and my mood dipped again. Yet, I wasn’t willing to be as miserable as the weather appeared, so I launched my Beauty Way practice.  

The Beauty Way is both a path and a practice in the indigenous energy medicine of the Andes in Peru.  

Like many earth-based traditions, there is a focus upon creating beauty and harmony with every thought, word and deed. To see the harmonizing energy that beauty reveals in others and our environment and to bring beauty to every encounter. I was still driving in the drizzle on my street when I began speaking out loud to anchor my attention into this intent of beauty.  

“May I see the beauty of the rain nourishing the earth, filling the waters and feeding the creatures.  

May I witness the intelligence of nature as she rests during the winter season, nourishing her roots and seeds, in preparation for the reemergence of green life in the spring. May I dwell in gratitude for the ease of driving in my beautiful car, upon these well-maintained roads, through this town, passing others who are busy in the action of living. May I see the beauty within every person I meet today as I witness their special gifts, needs, and circumstances. May my presence be a blessing in any way that serves the greater good. May I be reminded throughout this day that harmony is the underlying principle of life and that I can join that harmony anytime I choose.”  

The Beauty Way guided me into an appreciative customer that was only four minutes late.  

I’d like to say this feeling lasted all day, but I forgot the “practice” of the Beauty Way when I reached for my purse. Enter strategy number two. 

SHIFTING CRAPPY COMPLAINTS INTO GLOWING GRATITUDE 

Parking the car, I discovered my water had spilled out from my purse onto my front seat. I bet you can imagine my response and it wasn’t beautiful. So much for my beautiful presence improving the greater good. 

Since I was already primed to avoid complaining, I quickly switched strategies.  

Again, I spoke aloud so my mind would stay on track as I launched into gratitude. I honestly spewed out my gratitude that my cup was only half filled, and that it was hanging out of my purse so the water landed on my front seat, only soaking the two papers sitting there. My computer was protected (angels singing here) as the case was water resistant. I threw my (very important) papers on the floor with appreciation for those rubber mats … and my husband that put them there.  

With a deep breath and a grateful heart, I launched myself into the salon filled with “beauty makers” and settled into a chair to be waited upon.  

That worked until my gal asked how my vacation to Hawaii was. Oh Lordy. Paradise was a bit dicey, so it was a challenge to respond. My inner tendency was to name what was disappointing or what went wrong. I used a bit of humor to slide over that part … and then launched into my next anti-complaint strategy.  

STRINGING PEARLS 

During seven days in (very busy, crazy crowded) Waikiki, I experienced so many enjoyable moments. I shifted through the aspects of the trip that were unpleasant, challenging and disappointing. Diving for pearls, I spoke of the lovely weather and changing landscape as we drove around the island—the courage of surfers in massive waves and the beauty of the mountains seen from a boat; witnessing dolphins, whales and turtles in the ocean with a sense of wonder; the friendship and laughter with my husband’s work mates; the generosity of his company and celebration of their success; and the somber visit to Pearl Harbor and feeling gratitude that we live in peace.  

It was a long necklace filled with tiny and big moments.  

When we seek the pearl, or beautiful moments, of any experience, we have the opportunity to revisit the good … and realize how good it is. This strategy overrides a cognitive function that often diminishes the positive. This negativity bias is a cognitive bias that results in the adverse or negative experiences having a more significant impact on our psychological state than the positive events we experience. Even when the positive outweighs the negative, the yuck factor has a way of taking center stage.  

Since we learn more easily from negative information than positive, the negativity bias serves as a survival strategy—inviting us to remember where all the tigers and pirates are so we can stay away from them next time. Trouble is, the negative experience is rarely a threat to survival. Mostly, as in my case, it is a challenge or disappointment that is easily managed.  

All said and done, my day of complaining came to an end. It took three strategies and lots of refocusing to guide me into gratitude for the beauty of my pearl necklace.  

It also helped me refocus on how I choose to be in the world, how to return to balance when I’m off kilter and how to give people who tilt lots of kindness and space.  

Been there, done that. And one, two, three, I know how to get out of that complaining rut.